Connecting Through Allyship

by Sabrina Gallegos

We can’t possibly have all the answers to or be an expert in everything. We can, however, strive for continuous learning. I find comfort in saying I don’t know because it keeps me honest about what I do know and highlights areas I can stand to learn more about. Curiosity runs deep within me, but I wasn’t always allowed to be curious. Growing up, I so badly wanted to know the why behind everything because it helped me connect the many pieces of the world, but in my household, information was not at my disposal. There wasn’t room to explore the possibility of something different. My dad had certain expectations and you either obeyed or paid.

In her episode, Dr. Logan Levkoff said that parents are meant to provide the tools (or information) for children to help them feel confident in who they are. I sometimes feel like I entered the real world with a deficit, not having been provided the space or flexibility for self- or life-discovery. Dr. Levkoff also said that “we have to be committed to learning because it’s helpful for the betterment of society”. Since leaving my childhood home, I’ve been dedicated to learning. The process of learning can be uncomfortable as it requires deep reflection on, and integration of, new ideas and concepts. As I absorb new information, I find myself reassessing what I had previously known to be true. To question what we knew to be true is difficult, and thus uncomfortable. It’s important for me to be comfortable being uncomfortable.

I’m holding onto this idea as I seek to explore LGBTQ+ topics. At the most basic level, I wholeheartedly believe that love is love and that we are all human and deserve to be treated as such. However, I find myself being overwhelmed by the constant evolution of the community. I don’t want to unintentionally offend anyone, so I know that the integration of new information into my everyday life requires me to become curious and dive into the language of the LGBTQ+ community. The more I learn about this community, the more I find connections I didn’t realize were there. I have recently been inspired by Trevor Leeper’s episode on the Health: It’s Personal podcast but also many other episodes that highlight this idea of connection.

In her episode, Dr. Becky Kennedy says that you can be right, or you can be connected, and I couldn’t help but think of this statement while listening to Trevor Leeper tell his story about being gay in an unsupportive family. In an effort to dissect the phrase above, being “right” is not meant to imply a literal sense of correctness, it’s the idea that one way of thinking or behaving is proper or acceptable over another. It’s a matter of opinion, biases derived from our belief systems. Based on their beliefs, Trevor’s parents probably felt that they were right to openly shame him, making him feel like there was something to be fixed. It wasn’t an act of legitimate correctness, but a decision being made with the information that was given to them throughout their life.

Often, a division between people is created by allowing our opinions to overshadow the bigger picture that is human life – connection. We allow our opinions to provide grounds on what is an appropriate lifestyle and isolate, shame, or maybe even abuse those who do not conform. What if we instead chose to embrace our differences, became curious, and strived to connect with everyone? Could this possibly prevent the pain that so many of us experience throughout our lives?

In 8th grade, Trevor realized he was gay and was overheard telling some friends about it by his pastor, who made it clear it was unacceptable and threatened to expose him to his parents. That moment never came – it didn’t have to – because Trevor’s father read his private journal and proceeded to confront him about it. Trevor explained that his relationship with his family crumbled thereafter. He explained that the emotional abuse he experienced at home became normal. His family spent a lot of time ostracizing Trevor, making him feel as though he needed to be “fixed”. According to his family, to be gay meant that Trevor was “giving in to the sin” but labeling his sexuality as homosexual meant that he could find a way to get out of the sin. Counseling wasn’t helping to “fix” Trevor and so each year, things got worse.

To amplify his experiences at home, Trevor explained that many of his peers at school expressed distaste for him. He described experiencing depressive episodes and contemplated suicide. Social isolation in every aspect of his life must have been lonely. He was disconnected from his family, his peers, but also the outside world, as his home was a technology-free environment which meant he was unable to gain support elsewhere. Fortunately, he had a group of teachers that listened to him and gave him the connection he needed to keep pushing through to another day. He discovered healthy coping mechanisms like going for walks and planning for his future – the countdown to his freedom – and a bucket list that made his future worthwhile.

Trevor’s family heavily focused on what they deemed to be the right way of living. Instead, they could have benefited from focusing on connecting with him. When Trevor’s father read his thoughts and feelings poured onto pages in his journal, despite the broken trust for privacy, it could have been a great opportunity to connect with Trevor. In her episode, Dr. Lonnie Barbach discussed the value of being vulnerable and curious when developing relationships. Being curious enough to ask questions that will help us understand a person better. Being vulnerable enough to exchange thoughts and feelings. Connection can be the saving grace in working through differences as opposed to creating an unsafe, unwelcoming environment that is bound to impact a person’s mental health.

According to the American Psychiatric Association (2017), depression, anxiety, and substance misuse are 2.5 times more likely to be experienced by LGBTQ individuals compared with heterosexual individuals. Trevor felt alone and unsupported, contemplating suicide as a viable solution to end his suffering. About 39% of LGBTQ adults report having serious thoughts about taking one’s own life, while suicide attempts among lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths are four times greater compared with heterosexual youths (According to the American Psychiatric Association, 2017). Luckily, Trevor chose to stay with us, demonstrating great resilience. He found a connection with just a few people, fueling his will to stick it out until he could move out and be his authentic self. Trevor, and others like him, revealed the value behind connection, allowing him to become comfortable in his own skin, love who he wants to love and advocate for others without a voice.

I don’t know Trevor personally, but while listening to his story, I connected with him. He expressed emotions that I have also experienced. I related to his technology-free household as my dad did not allow us to have cell phones or computers. When Trevor was asked by the HIP team how his support group made a difference in his life, he simply said they listened. Listening, specifically active listening is impactful. In my path to healing, I’ve participated in a few energy healing sessions and before the energy work begins, my therapist likes to have a conversation. This part is so important because it allows us to first connect with each other. It helps her understand where I am at in life and it helps me process and discover what I am actually feeling and needing from the session.

I remember telling my therapist how I enjoy talking with her because my heart just feels lighter and I feel like everything I have shared has been fully received. She told me that that feeling is what being heard feels like. It was an awakening realization that yes, that’s exactly what I was experiencing. Trevor may not have been heard by his family, but he had a small group of people who deliberately listened to his words, supporting his authentic self, and so he is here today, leaving his mark on the world, evolving into a wonderfully caring and supportive advocate. Taking a moment to be present and listen to the words of others can be life-changing.

The differences among people are abundant but there are commonalities that can bring people together. It’s up to us to uncover those common interests, activities, perspectives, etc. by being curious about what each of us has to offer the world through openness and acceptance. Being open to exploring differences and becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable can result in the social connection that our biological make-up yearns for. In my attempt to connect with the LGBTQ+ community, I was excited to relate to when and how information is shared. We each have our stories, the trauma or experiences that made us who we are today.

My story is not one that I share with everyone and requires a level of comfort with the other person in which I can trust that my story is safe in their hands. In learning how to be a supportive ally, that same idea applies, as inviting someone into your true identity involves great vulnerability. I was grateful to be reassured that some conversations can feel awkward or there may be an underlying worry of saying the wrong thing – which has been my biggest concern – but educating myself on the LGBTQ+ community has provided me with tools to be more supportive and less consumed with trying not to say the wrong thing so that I can be fully present and listen to what my LGBTQ+ friends share with me.

The road to our authentic selves can be uncomfortable but through it all, we pick up pearls of wisdom that we can hold with us throughout our journey. A pearl that Trevor has picked up on his road to healing, is an awareness that his past does not define him. This has been a phrase that I’ve carried with me along my healing journey. I am not my past and it does not define my present or future. I’ve been able to connect with Trevor through his story despite the differences in our experiences. Connection is a wonderful feeling and it can significantly improve your health and wellbeing. I encourage you to take a moment to connect with someone today and each day going forward.