Fathers Day is Personal: Past HIP Guests’ Thoughts on Parenting
Here at Health: It’s Personal and the Phronesis Health Initiative, we love the amazing parents all around us, and this month we celebrate dads! We have spoken with so many wonderful fathers on the podcast so far, and we continue to be inspired by them all. In this post, we wanted to give a huge shout-out to some of the many inspirational fathers (and those that take on that role) who have impacted us, though we wish we could shout out every amazing father because the impact of these parents sends ripples throughout our communities for generations.
As we mentioned in our Mother’s Day post, family holidays can bring up many emotions for people. Sometimes, that feeling is nostalgia, other times loss, and sometimes anger or regret. These are all valid, and regardless of how this holiday makes you feel, we still want to encourage you to reflect on those emotions, value them, and consider how that may impact all areas of your life and health.
To help us navigate these complicated feelings and situations, we wanted to cover some of the major forms a father can take by sharing some of our past guests and episodes. We hope you enjoy learning a little more about them, why we think they’re so amazing, and how you might also be able to expand your own understanding of what it means to be a father.
Educating Kids About Identity with Michael Tyler
While our parents are listed in no particular order, we had to start somewhere, and of course that somewhere is the man who is most special to us: Michael Tyler.
As you may already know, Mr. Tyler has a strong connection to Kate and McKenna since they met many years ago after he first released his book “The Skin You Live In.” We were over the moon when he agreed to speak with us all on the podcast, and we loved learning more about him, his family, and his inspiration for writing that book—inspiration that he has continued to carry into his other work.
At the core of “The Skin You Live In” lies the desire for a father to help protect and teach his kids about the world around them. As his sons experienced issues with race, racism, stereotyping, and misunderstanding at school at a very young age, Michael Tyler struggled to find the words to explain these difficult topics to them. He searched and searched for the right books and resources, but he came up empty-handed every time—nothing was good enough to handle this delicate, important topic appropriately, especially for those at such a young age.
What did he do? Well, he got to work on writing his own book for his kids! A book that not only educates, but it also inspires and uplifts. He was able to teach his kids, as well as so many other kids across the world, what it means to be themselves, and to live in their own skin. Not only that, but it also helps them to LOVE themselves and the skin they live in. While it is just the very beginning of a long, arduous journey through identity in this world of ours, we could think of no better father to start it with.
Michael Tyler also inspired us with his continuing efforts to educate and inspire his kids, especially with his wise words on identity. As Walt Whitman helped us understand, we contain multitudes, and none of us are fully defined by any single one of our identities. Instead, as Mr. Tyler explains, each of our identities are one of countless blocks we use to build ourselves up with.
When someone sees us for only one of these blocks, they fail to see the rest—and sometimes they judge us for that one block. Michael Tyler inspires us to consider the bigger picture after we fully understand the smaller details. When we see someone else, or when we begin to define ourselves, we have to remember that there are so many other parts to who we are than that one single detail.
Michael Tyler has also continued to inspire kids and parents alike with his new book Mirror Face—along with their campaign to bring awareness and engaging activities to families, kids, and schools across the country. The Mirror Face Challenge is a great way to get folks to think about self-love and what that might mean for themselves or others all over the world.
“Do I contradict myself? / Very well then, I contradict myself. / (I am large, I contain multitudes.)”
LGBTQ+ Identities and Navigating Parenthood
We’ve had several guests and covered many topics regarding the LGBTQ+ community throughout our podcast so far, so we also wanted to cover Father’s Day from this non-traditional perspective - though, of course, we hope this does become a more traditional perspective in the future.
First, we wish to give a huge shout-out to Rob, the gay dad we wish we all had! Rob shared the shocking and wonderful experience he and his ex-husband went through when adopting their twins. Originally intending to just start out by fostering to get their toes wet and to begin navigating the system, they were greeted with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to adopt 2 infants almost immediately. Instead of shying away from the opportunity, they jumped right in and hit the ground running.
Like with Michael Tyler, they have also received questions and addressed issues they were not expecting—another reminder that, no matter how prepared you are when becoming a parent, life will always throw curveballs your way!
Instead of the typical questions or issues they expected regarding being gay parents, their kids started experiencing issues with race and identity for themselves. These issues might have come up regardless, but Rob and his co-parent once again met the challenge and rose to the occasion. They let their kids explore feelings related to their identities, and they made themselves available to talk whenever the kids wanted to about any related topic that may come up.
Rob has inspired us and reiterated a common thread we’ve noticed throughout the podcast—the impact of open lines of communication. We’re inspired to continue having open minds and hearts, and we are even more prepared to have any tough conversation with our own loved ones.
“Our prime obligation to ourselves is to make the unknown known. We are on a journey to keep an appointment with whatever we are.”
When There is No Dad in a Family
Another LGBTQ+ couple shared their story with us as well, though we are unable to explore the details too deeply due to privacy concerns. However, we did want to give a huge shout-out to the two moms who reached out to chat with us in our Parenting Series: Creating a Framily (Foster Family) with Two Amazing Moms!
These two moms help to remind us that families come in unlimited combinations. Father’s Day can mean something very different for a family with a single mom, two moms, grandparents, or guardians. It’s important to include families like this on such an important day of reflection, especially when a child may feel pressure around them regarding this holiday. What might we be able to do to help kids who may not have a dad to celebrate? What might this day mean to them, especially if both moms may prefer to celebrate Mother’s Day instead? We can celebrate them on Father’s Day too, especially since they work hard to be great parents year-round!
Both incredible moms inspired us in so many ways. Though they are “just” foster parents at this stage of their own journey, they are fully committed to that incredibly important calling. They’ve given so much of themselves to help their first foster child feel comfortable, stable, and safe, and we have no doubt they will continue to do so. Should they pursue the opportunity to adopt or have their own child one day, we know they will continue to be the very best parents!
Single Parents and the Importance of Father’s Day
Much like the family with two moms, some families experience loss, and the co-parent must step in to fulfill the roles of both parents. Penny and Noah are a powerful example of this, and we were reminded of Penny recently when we saw a Father’s Day card with the text:
“Some people have two parents. I’m lucky enough to have both of mine in one strong and amazing person. Thanks, mom. Happy Father’s Day. Love you!”
Many families spend this day feeling a void. Spending the day in remembrance of someone who was once there can be incredibly triggering. During our Nutrition Series, Mother and Son Penny and Noah shared how Penny had to play the role of both parents to her two sons after her husband passed away from cancer.
Celebrating a single mother during father’s day is a fun way to give thanks and praise to a strong single parent, but this can also punctuate the loss. It is important to celebrate, grieve, or both, in whatever way works for those involved.
“We are all the sum of our tears. Too little and the ground is not fertile, and nothing can grow there. Too much, the best of us is washed away.”
The Loss of a Dad and Facing Father’s Day
Ron Lieber is no stranger to loss and shared an incredibly special moment with us during his episode during our parenting series. Our primary focus was on his new book The Price You Pay For College—the culmination of years of work and passion for him. However, he also struggled with reconciling the fact that his own father passed away just before his book was released.
His father was a huge inspiration to him, and they were extremely close in life. Celebrating this huge achievement, this massive victory, is still so important, but we understand how challenging it can be to celebrate special moments with people we love.
If you are also struggling with loss, just know that your feelings are valid in these moments, and there is no timetable for grief. We each grieve in our own ways, and sometimes it comes in waves. We might feel fine, or as if we’ve gotten over things and moved on with our lives, but sometimes it can come back and hit us all over again. This is all part of the natural healing process, but there are many resources and people out there who can help us get through these moments.
Ron and many of our other guests, as well as our own experiences with loss in our own lives, have helped us to understand all of these things, and we hope these stories and resources help you as well.
“Grieving is like breathing, but we act like we have to hold our breath.”
Other Forms of Loss on Father’s Day
Trevor Leeper and Michael Miller are two of our favorite guests - well, they’re ALL our favorite guests - who both have struggled with and experienced a different kind of loss. Due to their own LGBTQ+ identities, their families struggled with accepting them, leading to a loss in those relationships with their parents. While they’re both doing amazing, inspirational work in rebuilding or re-establishing those relationships, they’re also doing so with some strong boundaries in place.
Still, we’re also reminded of so many LGBTQ+ folks out there who completely lose their fathers or families with no opportunity to heal or revisit those relationships down the road. We wanted to give a huge shout-out to those struggling with this form of loss and let you know that you are not alone. It’s valid to feel the way you do—it’s an incalculable loss, a “what if” we could never shake from our minds.
However, it also gives us a chance to reflect and consider the other relationships in our lives—where else can we reach out for support? Can we build new communities and find new families to take up that space in our hearts and in our lives?
Understanding and Coping with Loss and Grief
Here are a few great resources that can help with these complicated situations and feelings:
“Death is inevitable. To be repulsed by death is to be repulsed by life itself. Both poles must exist and be in balance. Light and shadow. Yin and yang. Dream and waking. Winter and summer.”
Giving Back to Fathers and Families
Louis Barajas shared so many powerful topics and inspiration with us, but one of the ideas that stood out to us the most was the inspiration behind all that he has done - as we all like to say, his “why.” That why? Helping his father as well as the many other fathers out there who are in similar situations.
As a teen, Louis got his start in business and finance by helping out with his family’s business. Working closely alongside his father, he helped file taxes and ensure the business could remain in operation. Like many kids growing up in immigrant families in the US, Louis also served as translator for his father, especially when they had to meet with tax professionals and government officials.
As Louis began to find his own success as an adult, he realized he wanted to continue giving back and making a difference for families like his own. As a father himself now, he more fully understands just how important this all is.
His books, resources, talks, and work all revolve around this philosophy as well - how can regular folks understand finances? What specific family circumstances influence each situation? How can they put it all together when envisioning their own futures? Parenting is already difficult enough, and Louis inspires us so much when it comes to setting ourselves and our families up for financial success.
“I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.”
Mental Health and Parenting
One of the most important aspects of health that we discuss all the time is mental health, as it impacts every other aspect of our personal health. Parenting is no different, and understanding mental health is a huge part of being a father or when it comes to supporting the parents in our lives.
James Boardman and his work as The Man Coach is a huge source of motivation for us when it comes to getting our days started out right, pumping us up and preparing us for anything life may throw our way. Well, if you were wondering how he arrived at viewing the world through this lens, you likely wouldn’t be surprised to learn that it was a painful journey through depression, PTSD, and thoughts of suicide.
James is such a loving father to his kids, and in his episode, he shared an incredibly vulnerable moment with us - when he loved his kids so deeply that he felt he was dragging them down with his mental health struggles. With a divorce, drastic life changes, and a struggling business weighing on him, he felt as if he was a negative influence on his own kids’ lives. However, he fought through those feelings and realized that there is so much to live for still, even when things seem the darkest.
We are so thankful to still have James here with us, and his kids are too. We also deeply appreciate how honest and open he is about his own struggles and experiences, because the only thing better than him fighting through those thoughts and remaining here with us all is that he is able to educate us on what that looks like. With this education, we can keep an eye out for other fathers, parents, or loved ones in our lives who may be struggling as well.
Instead of placing our parents on a pedestal, imagining that they have it all figured out, we must remember that they are people too. They struggle, they feel, they fail - but they can also get back up again and overcome those struggles. They can share and work through those feelings. They can inspire us to do the same.
Mental Health Resources
Below are a few more resources that may help you or a loved one with mental health struggles or when in crisis:
SAMHSA’s National Helpline (USA): 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA): 1-800-273-8255
Veterans in Crisis can press 1 to be directed to local VA resources
For those who are Deaf, Hard of Hearing, or have Hearing Loss
In Spanish/En Español: 1-888-628-9454
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741-741
Families for Depression Awareness
The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
TrevorText: Text START to 678-678
Fathers Helping kids Develop healthy habits
Nick Sheeran is another amazing parent who discussed so many aspects of health with us, primarily focusing on physical health and nutrition. As we’ve written about many times, he and his wife use the term JERF to refer to nutrition - Just Eat Real Food. This is something many others say as well, but it’s an important reminder when we struggle to think about what we’re putting into our bodies.
As many of us already know, teaching our kids how to eat properly is a mixed bag for sure. Heck, we even struggle to tell ourselves to stick with these healthy habits! Well, the Sheerans offered so much inspiration and advice in their episode that helped us get back on the right path with our own health, and we hope they’ve done the same for you as well.
We were inspired by Dr. Nick’s passion to share healthy habits with his own kids (Father of the Year!) so we stole some and incorporated them into our own families. Karen shops the rainbow for her family but has a challenging time getting her son to see the value at mealtime, so she brings little bowls of fruit and veggies to him when he is playing video games or watching TV. He mindlessly eats them every time! Effortless nutrition for when he’s doing what he loves most.
Father’s Day and You
This list is by no means extensive. It may come as no surprise, but families can be as diverse as the entire color wheel. They can come in many shapes and sizes, and no two situations are identical. Many families are mixed, with fathers or parents who are bonded by something other than blood. Perhaps that’s through marriage as a step parent, or perhaps it’s through being a good family friend and stepping into the lives of those who need that support most.
If you take anything away from this article today, may it be to just remain open and empathetic to the world, and the people, around you. We don’t know what everyone’s journey is like, so all we can do is our best - but remaining as informed as we can will help us when we wish to reach out and support those we care about most.
Happy Father’s Day!
